Brief Overview
Mood: Good to indifferent
Emotions: Happy, Muted, Isolated
Mental Stability: Extremely Low
Relationship Status: Single
Energy: Tired as hell
Current Songs on repeat
1. That's what you get- Paramore
2. Bleed it Out- Linkin Park
3. I write sins, not tragedies- Panic at the Disco
4. The Carpal Tunnel of Love- Fall Out Boy
5. Breath- Breaking Benjamin
6. Faint- Linkin Park
7. In The End- Linkin Park
Summary of the day: I basically painted a house, drank coke, and went to my uncles' Birthday party.
---
I am a magician, some may not realize it, but I am like any wandering magician, albeit with a different array of tricks. Somehow, I've been given a talent to alienate people, basically anyone, and tear up any chances of a relationship instantly. But I guess, I've already gone over that, after all, I am an outcast. The tricks that I wield are like what fake magic is based upon, sleight of mind, and sleight of hand. The people I fool are people from my past and present, people I no-longer need to see, etc.
Lying is an almost essential part of our world, it's completely accepted as a normal practice when telling children, where babies come from, or perhaps, where one was at midnight on a Friday. But the most obvious and dangerous trick in my arsenal would be my ability to lie. It's actually quite a hard trick to master, especially if one can read your body language, and assume that you are lying. Over the years though, I've weaved webs of deceit and guile, all to accomplish my goals, which are usually successful. The way to lie effectively is to first brainwash yourself. If you can accept the lies you are telling as fact, the rest of your body language will follow. Trust me on this, I know firsthand of it's effects.
The only downside to that is, if you fool yourself for too long, it will be difficult to accept the real truth as truth, and not your lies as truth. Secondly, and more importantly for me, I guess, I've almost been completely obsessed with bending the truth. Almost completely pointless things I've lied about, such as 'Have you seen this movie, etc. etc.'. Which brings me to the second trick that I have up my short sleeves.
I can lie pretty well, and it's partially because of the intuition within me. In other words, I can think extremely quickly, and associate certain facts with a certain topic. As a result, I'm able to lie in such a way, that a person that only has rudimentary knowledge on a certain subject is fooled that I am an expert in that area. This ability has carried over in such a way that, well... I've ended up calculating possibilities of any situation, and the certain detrimental effects that they can incur if they happen. It's been giving me migraines for quite a while now, and overall, it's starting to eat away at my minds stability.
An introverted personality has also made me believe that I wear a mask wherever I go, something that's also in my arsenal. My personality is multi-faceted, and from there, I can develop more masks to wear, which causes me to be extremely unpredictable, and hard to read at times. The cost of this fact, is simply, my identity is constantly in jeopardy, as I have led myself to believe that these personalities were my original one.
Finally, and most importantly, is my quintessential ability to vanish. Without it, I wouldn't be able to disappear from a lot of my problems. Burning bridges is never something easy to do... But it gets easier if you do it more, I know from experience.
Considering all of the above vices, coupled with a sometimes apathetic or short tempered persona, I'm not surprised I'm still single -_-
I am a magician, some may not realize it, but I am like any wandering magician, albeit with a different array of tricks. Somehow, I've been given a talent to alienate people, basically anyone, and tear up any chances of a relationship instantly. But I guess, I've already gone over that, after all, I am an outcast. The tricks that I wield are like what fake magic is based upon, sleight of mind, and sleight of hand. The people I fool are people from my past and present, people I no-longer need to see, etc.
Lying is an almost essential part of our world, it's completely accepted as a normal practice when telling children, where babies come from, or perhaps, where one was at midnight on a Friday. But the most obvious and dangerous trick in my arsenal would be my ability to lie. It's actually quite a hard trick to master, especially if one can read your body language, and assume that you are lying. Over the years though, I've weaved webs of deceit and guile, all to accomplish my goals, which are usually successful. The way to lie effectively is to first brainwash yourself. If you can accept the lies you are telling as fact, the rest of your body language will follow. Trust me on this, I know firsthand of it's effects.
The only downside to that is, if you fool yourself for too long, it will be difficult to accept the real truth as truth, and not your lies as truth. Secondly, and more importantly for me, I guess, I've almost been completely obsessed with bending the truth. Almost completely pointless things I've lied about, such as 'Have you seen this movie, etc. etc.'. Which brings me to the second trick that I have up my short sleeves.
I can lie pretty well, and it's partially because of the intuition within me. In other words, I can think extremely quickly, and associate certain facts with a certain topic. As a result, I'm able to lie in such a way, that a person that only has rudimentary knowledge on a certain subject is fooled that I am an expert in that area. This ability has carried over in such a way that, well... I've ended up calculating possibilities of any situation, and the certain detrimental effects that they can incur if they happen. It's been giving me migraines for quite a while now, and overall, it's starting to eat away at my minds stability.
An introverted personality has also made me believe that I wear a mask wherever I go, something that's also in my arsenal. My personality is multi-faceted, and from there, I can develop more masks to wear, which causes me to be extremely unpredictable, and hard to read at times. The cost of this fact, is simply, my identity is constantly in jeopardy, as I have led myself to believe that these personalities were my original one.
Finally, and most importantly, is my quintessential ability to vanish. Without it, I wouldn't be able to disappear from a lot of my problems. Burning bridges is never something easy to do... But it gets easier if you do it more, I know from experience.
Considering all of the above vices, coupled with a sometimes apathetic or short tempered persona, I'm not surprised I'm still single -_-
1 comments:
Hi, Magician,
You are highly articulate and you have an impressive range of expression. Although I have only read your 2009 blogs so far, I came away from them thinking several things, one of which was, if this person were to take up the work of writing novels, they would be riveting, incisive and uncompromising, and I'd like to read every one of them.
Other things that your blogs leave me musing over... it was recently that I actually heard a program on National Public Radio about 'white matter' in the brain--a physiological feature, like a network of neurons or synapses or something, most people have modest amount,though some have greater; this greater amount allows a person to link possibly disparate ideas--often a feature of great creativity (if not necessarily a requirement for it), as well as the ability to tell a convincing lie---and that, in great part, because of the ability to project the possible outcomes of various 'tales told'. I have this quality myself--and I've certainly needed it, growing up in a household with a mother who has borderline personality disorder. But this feature, underscoring my first thought, would suit someone well for the writing of fiction. I'm starting to apply myself to that endeavor--on the second drafts of two books, and hope for only one more rewrite before I get them out into the world. But that's a tangent...
The other thing that caught my attention was from an earlier blog about multiple identities converging. Perhaps some of your 2008 blogs would further elucidate your circumstances there, but I had a similar thing go on awhile back. What had started as a kind of coping mechanism (note the so-called 'mother' I got in some cosmic lotto gone awry) refined itself into a sort of dangerous (in my case) dual reality. A particular event forced me to deal with the identities between which I had been 'switching'. It was scary, because one of the two I had created for myself was the Me I would rather have been, had it not been for the persistent exposure to hard-core pornography by my 'mother' for several years before I even hit puberty, plus other totally inappropriate things that shouldn't happen between someone in a position of authority and their dependent. So I had the one identity I invented, which selectively chopped out the hated things I would rather not have known (at least at her hands), and the other Me that absorbed her twisted burdens. Finally, as you so beautifully said, "The smoke is fading, and the mirrors are disappearing one by one." If that's where you are, you probably will soon know who you are. I was pretty freaked out when it came down to the crunch for me, but I was greatly heartened by something else--inwardly the alignment actually made me feel less pervious to damage from outside myself; but even more importantly, finding out that the new, integrated Self I was living with was not a fixed or static item---knowing where I was honestly starting from was just a beginning. It was, and continues to be, up to me to review, hone, and actively create my identity--every day, if I so choose. No dramatic 're-creations', but deliberate, keenly aware living. I may have refuse and fallout in my life's portrait that I would not have chosen for myself if I could just invent my autobiography, but at least it is mine--and, increasingly, I have the feeling my future is, too.
Hang in there. You sound like somebody the planet is better off for having on it.
Laura
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